


silver and gold

by phloridas



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Birthday, Fluff, Friendship, Internalized Homophobia, Loneliness, M/M, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-31
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-10-20 01:38:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17612984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phloridas/pseuds/phloridas
Summary: At twelve years old, all Phil wants is someone who really gets him. That and a chance to go to Manchester without his mum and dad for once.Little does he know, the best things in life are right around the corner. Phil just has to be patient.





	silver and gold

**Author's Note:**

  * For [inlovewiththeirlove (fieldofdiabolicalbutlovelykillers)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fieldofdiabolicalbutlovelykillers/gifts).



> For the frgtfl friends&dickmates Secret Santa--or, I guess you could call it secret valentine's at this point lol 
> 
> Happy (very very) late holidays, Sana! I know I'm not super active but it's been so nice being in a gc with you these last few months! I hope you're having a fantastic day today and that you enjoy this fic as much as I enjoyed writing it! <3

Phil may not have had many birthdays in his life so far. But he’s had enough to know they shouldn’t feel this...empty.

Maybe it’s a sign he’s growing up. Twelve is a big year, after all. Unfortunately, it’s turning out to be a lot weirder than he thought--and way, _way_ more confusing than any other time in his life.

“Oi, Dish!” A shout erupts from the pack in front of him, pulling Phil from his head just a little. Judging by how loud it is, it must be Mark, the tall sandy-haired jokester of the group. “Give you a hundred pound to lick the wheel!”

“Hell no mate, I’m not getting my tongue stuck on there! Haven’t you ever seen _A Christmas Story_?”

A roar of laughter breaks out from his friends and Phil does his best to join in. Yet it’s hollow and distant even to his own ears.

“God, you guys are such _children_ ,” Madeline sighs, smoothing out a piece of golden blonde hair and reminding Phil of his mum with a slight pang in his chest. “You know what I think is even better? Having your first kiss on the wheel! I mean, you can see all of Manchester from up there!”

Her best friend Lucy starts nudging her then, sunlight dancing off their perfectly shiny hair as both girls glance around the group. Something unpleasant worms its way into Phil’s chest and stays there, even as Anya falls back to join him.

“Shit, Phil, I’m sorry about them,” she says quietly, rearranging her dark fringe across her forehead with a black-gloved hand. “I was hoping Mark would be able to tone down his idiocy for your actual birthday but I guess that’s not even a setting on him. Unfortunately.” She scoffs and Phil smirks a little.

A sharp wind cuts in, making Phil shiver as he pulls his coat sleeves over his hands and rubs his mittened palms together. Why does his birthday have to be so cold anyway?

“Hey, it’s fine,” he assures her, praying he’s added enough cheeriness to his voice yet still terrified that it might sound weird anyway. “I mean, I was the one who wanted to invite them all, yeah? Maybe that ‘cool by association’ thing can still happen, you never know!”

Anya just looks at him sideways, her plaid jacket collar fluttering in the wind. Phil’s insides squirm all over the place but thankfully, she doesn’t question it.

“Yeah. I just really wish Maddie would shut up about the whole kissing thing, you know? Not all of us can get that perfect fairytale ending, no matter how much we want it.” Her tone may be grouchy but there’s a hint of forbidden longing underneath it, something that Phil could maybe understand if he reached back into the most secret part of his brain.

But that’s a part he refuses to admit exists, even to himself, so for now the distant ring of familiarity just feels uncomfortable.

In his efforts to ignore it, Phil does his best to shove the events of the latest _Buffy_ episode to the forefront of his mind. The grin that usually accompanies any thought of his favorite show doesn’t come, though.

Instead, the dark hole in his chest only opens wider, making Phil feel miles away from his friends even though he’s only a couple steps behind.

Not for the first time, Phil wishes he had someone, _anyone_ who understood just what the show means to him and could appreciate everything as much as he does. Sure it’s nice that he and his dad can enjoy it together, but not when his dad constantly teases Phil about only watching it for Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Yeah, she’s the title character and kicks ass and okay maybe she is quite pretty….but the show is so much _more_ than that. Anyone who follows the plot can see.

Phil doesn’t even notice they’ve reached the wheel until everyone’s stopped and started huddling together in pairs of twos and threes. From the corner of his eye, he notices a head of golden hair slinking its way to the back, accompanied by the nudges of her pink-jacketed friend.

Thankfully Ian swoops in just then, resting his arm atop Phil’s shoulder and grinning widely as if he doesn’t have a care in the world.

“I call dibs on the birthday boy!” Ian shouts, earning a momentary glare from Madeline. The others pay little attention. He and Phil are like brothers after all, everyone knows that.

“Figured I’d save you from a lifetime of awkwardness,” he mutters soft enough for only Phil to hear, tugging his hat lower over his ears.

Right now, he and Anya are the only ones who know Phil doesn’t see Madeline the way most of the guys in his class do. They don’t know, however, that Phil doesn’t see any girl at school that way--when asked last month if there was anyone he did like, he’d brushed it off, joking that none of the girls in Rawtenstall could compare to Buffy.

Of course he felt like shit for saying that. Everyone at school was quite nice and Phil could probably see how some of the girls were pretty if he really thought about it, but….

He’s just a late bloomer. That’s all it is. He’d totally kiss a girl if she asked, Phil’s just too shy to do the asking.

It may not be Phil’s first time on the wheel but it is his first time without one or both of his parents beside him and that’s got to count for something. Sat beside his two closest friends, Phil can feel bits of his discomfort flaking off and drifting across the sky, leaving him lighter than he’s been all day as the wheel glides up, up, up and up.

The chilly Manchester afternoon glitters above, beneath, and all around them, filling Phil with an overwhelming sense of possibility. He may be only twelve but with the entire city sprawled before him, he feels like he really can do anything, be anyone he wants to be. It fills his heart like nothing ever has before, and Phil longs for someone _really_ special to share this feeling with.

In that moment, he makes a promise to himself: if he ever meets someone special, he _has_ to take her (no-- _them_ ) on this wheel, so they can see the city through Phil’s eyes. There’s just something about that infinite possibility that Phil’s only ever felt here.

Phil does his best to join in on Ian and Anya’s teasing jabs at their other friends but the whole time, his mind is somewhere else. It doesn’t return even when he reaches the ground and someone suggests hitting up the Arndale, the massive shopping centre looming just down the way.

“Okay, but we can’t go anywhere near the food market!” Phil shouts, a couple seconds too late after Ian’s relayed the plans to him. “That’s where my mum and dad are gonna be.”

A flash of embarrassment rises in his chest. _Why_ Martyn can go to the city on his own and Phil can’t is still a fresh wound. They’re practically the same person! At least his parents aren’t following them around like watch dogs but still.

“Awwww but Phil, I _love_ your mum!” Madeline crows. “We could still say hi just to check in, don’t you think?”

Even Ian rolls his eyes at that one. “Ya know what, screw Arndale. We’ve got the whole city centre to ourselves, we should explore it!”

Phil bites his lip. He hates being the bad guy but…. “Wait, we don’t wanna get lost, though,” he cuts in, hating the way his voice shakes just a little.

“Oh, we’ll be fine!” Ian waves his hand, cool as can be. “We won’t go far and I can get us back here, no worries!”

“So whaddya say, birthday boy?” Mark raises his eyebrows and suddenly Phil feels backed into a corner.

“I mean….yeah sure, why not?” Phil shrugs against his better judgment. There’s a sinking feeling in his gut but he does his best to push it aside with a light laugh.

Everyone ends up following Ian away from the wheel, around the shopping centre, and down the street. The familiarity of the area helps to ease Phil’s nerves, if only a bit. It would be a lot nicer if the sky wasn’t so grey, though.

They’re barely past the Arndale when Lucy shouts “Ooooh! Oooh guys, there’s a _huge_ Primark right there, let’s go in! Pleaaaseee?”

“Ugh, Primark’s a _girl_ store,” Ian argues, nudging his arm against Phil’s. “And besides, it’s Phil’s birthday. This should be his choice.”

Phil’s friends all turn to face him and once again, his coat feels far too warm with all this heat rising in his face. The girls stand with their arms crossed, shooting daggers at him--all except Anya anyway, who’s standing solidly beside Ian and Riley, Phil’s “nerdy” friends.

Phil bites his lip. It _is_ his birthday and goodness knows it’s been hard enough. He deserves better than clothes shopping, doesn’t he?

He takes a deep breath and cold air stings his lungs. “Yeah, let’s keep going,” Phil says. “I’m sure we can find somewhere everyone can agree on, come on!”

Or at least, he hopes so anyway.

Why does everyone have to be so _different_ these days?

It’s weird. On the one hand, Phil misses the simplicity of being a kid but at the same time, he’s dying for the freedom of adulthood and the chance to finally break away from his parents’ tight leash.

He loves his mum and dad, of course. They’re there when Phil needs them and are usually more than happy to give him the things he wants. Yet they still won’t let him go to Manchester without supervision, just because _Martyn_ nearly got lost when he was thirteen. So what??

Phil’s been downtown way more than his brother has….or so he thinks, anyway. He may be terrible at directions but he’s got his friends with him! And having Ian, Anya, Mark, Riley, Dish, Maddie, and Lucy is way better than going alone, or even with just Ian and Anya. But nooooo, Phil has to wait a whole two more years.

So far, being twelve seems to involve a whole lot of waiting. That and friends who pay more attention to each other than to you.

Maybe it was a mistake bringing such a big group here. It’s too easy to get swallowed up by the crowd, lost in your own thoughts, shopfronts passing by him but barely registering until….

“Oh my god.” Phil shuffles a few steps backwards then stops in his tracks.

Staring at him from the window, blending so well with the displays of comics around her that Phil nearly misses her, is none other than Sarah Michelle Gellar in all her (two dimensional) Buffy glory. And she’s got a price tag of 30 pounds.

For a moment, it feels like all the air’s been sucked from Phil’s lungs.

 _No._ There’s no way places can just...sell things like this! Phil’s only ever seen them in displays.

There’s no way she can be that _cheap_ either. Phil’s parents gave him fifty quid to spend today, more than enough for lunch and anything cool that he may find. Phil was planning to use the money on a Playstation game, but _this_...

A tingly feeling rushes through him, sprouting goosebumps all down his arms. And in that instant, Phil just _knows._ He needs that cardboard cutout.

“Yo Lester, what’s the holdup?” Mark calls from the back of the group. Phil shakes his head quickly.

“We’re going in here. I found something I wanna buy. Come on, guys!” Phil waves everyone over. Maddie and Lucy, however, remain planted on the corner, arms crossed.

“I know it’s your birthday and all, Phil,” Lucy says, “but we’re not going in that nerd store.”

“There’s a beauty place right around the corner that we just passed, though,” Maddie pipes up. “We could poke around in there while you guys are doing your...nerd things.” From the way the words fall from her lips, like smelly socks tossed onto a laundry pile, you’d think the comic shop was run by a bunch of drug addicts.

Phil sighs. He hates bringing this up, _hates_ how babyish it makes him sound but… “Sorry guys, my parents said we all have to stick together, remember? I don’t think it’ll take that long. I know what I want already.”

“Yeah, I think we all do,” tiny Riley laughs, but not in a mean way. “And I don’t blame you one bit,” he adds in a mutter, almost as an afterthought.

“Come on Phillll,” Maddie pleads, “if it’s really not gonna take you guys that long, you can meet us in there. It’s right around the corner. You guys can’t possibly get lost unless you really are that dumb.”

Phil can feel his stomach filling with rocks, his chest growing tighter with each passing second until Mark pushes his way to the door. With a good four to five centimeters on most of them, he slices through with a boldness Phil could only wish to possess.

“Sorry Mads but I’m not going in that girl store, We all know Phil, it’s really not gonna take that long. Come on.” And he pushes inside, jingling a tiny bell as he enters the warmth of the shop.

“It’s not a girl store, it’s a _beauty salon_ ,” Maddie mutters but she and Lucy follow him in anyway. The heaviness slowly begins to leave Phil as he joins them, along with the rest of their friends, and is welcomed by shelves and shelves of comic books, board games, and a blast of heat.

He sheds his hat and mittens instantly, taking the time to glance around the tiny shop but….where the heck are the other cardboard cutouts? Were they all sold out or something?

A teenage boy pokes his around the till then, retreating back to his open textbook within seconds. Oh! Maybe Phil could….

But then he really catches a glance of the guy, all long and lean with perfectly parted blond hair that looks like it belongs in a magazine. It flops over both sides of his forehead, tiny strands breaking away and just brushing his high cheekbones so flawlessly, Phil can’t quite believe he’s real.

Even his denim jacket elevates him to a level of cool Phil couldn’t _imagine_ ever having and--yeah _no._ No no no no.

What the hell is this guy doing in such a nerd store anyway? He clearly belongs in an Abercrombie advert. There’s no _way_ Phil can ask him about the cardboard cutouts. He’s way too hot--

_Huh, Phil?_

The already close walls feel stifling now as Phil tries as hard as he can to shove that thought from his mind and focus on a rack of plastic-covered Batman comics in front of him. But it won’t disappear.

Instead, it’s like a neon sign pulsing at the front of his brain, screaming for all the world to know that _Phil likes boys._ Or at least, this particular boy anyway.

But surely that’s a lie. Anyone would find this guy attractive. Phil’s just freaking out over nothing again.

(There’s still no way he can talk to him, though.)

“Hey Phil, everything cool?” Anya asks, swatting at his arm and making Phil jump a little. He blinks but she continues on. “I saw that cardboard Buffy in the window too but I don’t know where she could be here.”

Of course Anya knew what had caught Phil’s eye before he ever had to say it. “Oh yeah, I’m fine!” he says, perhaps a little too cheerily. “It’s probably somewhere in the back here, I’m guessing.”

He weaves his way amongst a few bookcases before reaching the back wall, which is covered in….action figures. Not a single life-size Buffy to be seen.

Anya follows close behind. “You sure you don’t wanna ask the guy at the till? I’m sure he’ll know!”

Phil spins around. “ _No._ ”

Shit. Was that too forceful?

He hurriedly smooths out his tone. “I mean, I’m sure she’s here somewhere! It’s not like they’d be hiding it if there’s one in the window, yeah?”

Anya stares at him. “Phil, it’s a tiny place. I can see all around the store and she’s definitely not out here. Come on, I’m sure that guy can help us--”

“ _No_ ,” Phil says again, even more insistently now.

Who cares if it’s weird? He _can’t_ talk to the lad.

“Phil, what--?” Anya’s brows are furrowed in concern but just then Ian ambles over, happy as can be.

“Hey Phil, I looked all over--I mean it wasn’t hard--and I couldn’t find Buffy anywhere. Think we should ask the kid working here?” Harmless though his words may be, they still strike fear in Phil’s heart.

“That’s what I was just saying!” Anya enthuses. “But Phil here is being all shy, I don’t get why, since this lad looks just like all the ones on MTV, nothing specia-- _ohhhhh._ ” Something dawns on her face, turning Phil’s insides to ice.

No. She can’t know. If Anya could get it that fast, what about everyone else at school?

“Its--it’s fine,” Phil cuts in, voice shaking. “I can talk to him, it’s no big--”

Ian gently shoves him forward. “Yeah, I think you’re gonna want to before Maddie and Lucy scare him off,” he mutters, nodding at the girls giggling amongst the bookcases.

Phil takes a cautious step forward, but Anya grabs his arm. “Wait, Phil. So do you--am I right in saying--”

“I...I really don’t know.”

It’s the truth, even if Phil’s entire face burns as bright as his hair as he says it. “His jacket’s just way too intimidating, I think.” Yeah, that’ll work.

“Hey, you know we don’t care, right?” Ian says, softer this time. “He’s an attractive lad, anyone can see that!”

Phil finds himself grinning before he can stop it. “I--I mean, I guess…”

“Personally I don’t see it but hey, what do I know?” Anya shrugs. “Seriously, it’s cool though. We’ll even come up there with you for moral support if you’d like.”

Suddenly, Phil’s birthday feels a whole lot brighter. “Really?”

Anya nods.

“Well alright then. Thanks guys!” And Phil leads the way over to the (yes, admittedly hot) shop assistant, cutting smoothly in front of the giggling girls.

Maybe Phil is a bit too chatty and eager but thankfully, the guy is happy to help all the same. Sure enough, he disappears into the back and a minute later, Phil’s holding a (rather large) Buffy Summers in his arms. Really, they couldn’t have thought to fold her up?

“Enjoy!” the shop assistant, who Phil can now see is called Alex, says as he hands Phil his receipt. “And hey, happy birthday, kid!” He offers Phil a high five and Phil takes it, practically glowing as he and his friends leave the shop.

So yeah. Maybe twelve’s a weird year. Maybe Phil doesn’t quite know where he stands with his friends. Maybe he doesn’t have the independence he dreams of, or much of a sense of who he is yet.

But he actually managed to hold his own in a conversation with an attractive lad. Right now, his world is as wide as the entire Manchester sky, maybe even wider.

That’s a cool feeling on any day, but when it’s on your birthday?

It’s exhilarating.

 

**

“So, okay okay, I think I finally have my birthday schedule figured out;” Phil kicks his feet out in front of him, nudging the other leg beside him with his toe.

Dan turns to him with a skeptical look and Phil can’t help it, he has to burst out laughing.

“I swear, it’s really done this time! I think.”

Now it’s Dan’s turn to break out his hyena laugh. The pure sweetness of it all courses through Phil, making him shiver under their massive blanket.

Phil goes to swat Dan with his phone but as always, Dan’s one step ahead of him, fingers tight around Phil’s wrist before Phil can even clear the small bit of space between them.

“ _Anyway_ ,” Phil says once he’s got his phone back in front of his face. “So obviously we’ve got family time from the twenty ninth till the first, and then we can have Bryony over that night.”

Dan nods, and Phil can see the gears turning in his head, can almost hear him puzzling out when he’ll find time to work and think that week. Phil lets it go, however.

“So then Saturday, probably in the afternoon, we could FaceTime Ian and Lauren and little Emily since, you know, there’s not much of a point in going to Manchester again,” Phil says and Dan agrees. “And then we could probably squeeze the Above the Fray party in that night--and of course Marianne’s invited too. And I _know_ it’s a lot of socializing and I’m gonna be exhausted too but ah….a few of my old school friends are coming down and I may have told them that they could join us and our London friends for some drinks Sunday night too?”

Dan shakes his head but he’s grinning widely all the same. “God, this is a whole royal tour we’ve got here, Phil. I’m barely gonna have time to think all week.”

“Good, that’s the point!” Phil bounces on the sofa, clapping a couple times before reaching for Dan’s hands. “I don’t want you thinking too much. You’ve had plenty of time for that this month, more than enough if you ask me. This is your week of not thinking.”

It takes a few seconds but the softness that melts across Dan’s features is the best reward Phil can ask for.

“Thank you, Phil. So which of your old friends are coming? I dunno, it might be cool to see some of them again.”

Phil beams. “Well, just Anya and Mark but I told them they could bring April and Ella since I don’t want them to be alone, you know?”

“ _Four_ people? You’re gonna put me in an early grave, mate!”

Phil rolls his eyes, still smiling. “It’ll be good for you, you know. And I happen to know you get on quite well with them too.”

Dan folds his arms across his chest, sighing dramatically. “Fiiineee, I guess. But you owe me at least half of all the leftover cakes.”

“We’ll have to see about that. You know my mum makes a mean red velvet.”

“God, I _do_.” Dan pauses then says, “You know, I always forget how many friends you still have until your birthday comes around. It’s kinda wild that some of these people have known you for most of your life, you know?”

Phil has to think about that for a moment. Yeah, maybe at one point there was a time he went through everything with those guys. But life takes people down some surprising roads.

Phil happens to like where all his roads have led him, though.

“Hmmm. Maybe so,” he agrees after a few moments. “But you know none of them will ever be as important as you, right?”

Dan may roll his eyes at that but Phil knows his reactions well enough to catch the warmth bursting from the soft peck of his lips.

It’s wild. If nearly thirty two-year-old Phil were to tell twelve, or even twenty two-year-old Phil that he’d find his person when his “real life” was just beginning, he’d never have believed it.

(But maybe a part of him would perk up, entertaining the possibility for a minute before it inevitably got pushed down in favor of reality.)

Of course it doesn’t matter. He’s got that person now. Had him for the last decade, really. And if they can get through all of that together, something inside Phil knows they can conquer the rest of their lives in the same way.

It’s quite a nice change from his teenage loneliness, come to think of it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! As always, you can find me on Tumblr [@phloridas](http://phloridas.tumblr.com) and Twitter [@PlANODANS](http://twitter.com/PlANODANS) and reblog [here](http://phloridas.tumblr.com/post/182456832646/silver-and-gold) if you'd like! Have a lovely day! <3 (And happy late birthday Phil!)


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